Mother Problems & Perspective
Candace, 42 lives in Houston, thought she was ready for kids but really wasn’t. She had her son, Richard, when she was 24 years old. She didn’t abuse Richard but was never there for him the way she needed to be. She didn’t understand what being a parent meant. Richard’s dad is nowhere in the picture, so she raised him alone. She still wanted to live the life of a young adult woman and ignored her real responsibilities to Richard. When Richard was 14, Candace had enough and abandoned him for a man. She later realized the magnitude of the mistake she made. Although things didn’t work out with her and the guy something had changed in her. She began to have a more positive outlook on life and restored her faith in God. Her top priority became mending her relationship with Richard who is now 18 and lives in Phoenix. She tries her hardest to let him know that she made a mistake she would regret forever. She regrets the pain she caused him but she doesn’t regret the action as she believes she would never have become the person she is today had she not done it. She is happy with who she has become and she knows that she can appreciate and be there for Richard more now than she could ever have before. She lives for him now and she wants nothing more than for him to see that. He is somewhat receptive and
those days they talk are the best minutes and hours of her life. She used to seek pleasure but now she realizes all she wants is happiness. Pleasure was what she received from her nights with men and being the center of attention as she is extremely attractive. She thought pleasure equaled happiness but now she knows happiness will be her son calling her mom again. She looks forward to spending more time with him but she is unable to see him daily so she only can rely on phone and text conversations. The fact is she really has changed. She has taken steps to make herself happy as she never really was before. She never liked her job and always said she was a Christian but never followed the path. Now she is very spiritual and she has taken steps to get into a career path she will enjoy. She used to make excuses about school but now she loves and is thriving in college. The only thing she is missing is her family which she is very determined to get back. She even told him she tried to mentor teenagers and help them get on the right path. She saw it as a way to prove to herself she was ready and capable of being a mother. She knows that if he accepts her back in his life and she messes up, there is no coming back. That doesn’t concern her as she knows that he is all that matters to her. He came to visit her one time and everything was wonderful. It was the best time of her life to that point and all she wants to do is relive that over and over. She doesn’t know how to convey that she was a different person before and he can trust her now as she would always protect him and never hurt him again. She really understands why it is so hard for him to trust her again and it breaks her heart more than anything. She knows she has changed and knows what her intentions are but getting someone else whom she’s already hurt to believe it is almost an impossible task. She knows the odds but has made a promise to herself she will never give up. She knows she really doesn’t deserve him but she wants to be there. Most importantly she only wants him to be happy even if it means she never gets the relationship back.
What should she do?
Son Problems & Perspective
Richard, 18 lives in Phoenix, is a strong young man but can’t let go of the things he has been through specifically his mom leaving him for another man. She was never there for him in any meaningful capacity when he was growing up and he remembers who she was. It made him stronger now but those times were so rough it has left him unable to really trust or put his heart into anyone. He just wants to be happy and sometimes he experiences moments of happiness in other people that fade away. He really needed his parents but he never knew his dad and his mom abandoned him so he really hated her. He’s learned to forgive her but he can’t forget.
Now she has contacted him and wants to restore their relationship. After some pleading and time he decided to engage in conversations with her. He really enjoys when they talk. One time he went to visit her and she was completely different and they had a great time together. He really felt as if he finally had a mother. He wants to believe her and believe she has changed because when they talk she is different than before. He still cannot get over what she did to him in the past which makes it extremely difficult for him to trust her. He may never trust her and she says she accepts how he feels but will continue to try. He feels if they were closer it would be easier but the fact is they are far away. He would like to see her more often but honestly he is scared he may be going back down the highway of torture again. She says she has a place for him and she would like nothing more than for him to come live with her. She is even suggests he come stay for a week and then maybe for the summer. She says she has changed for the better and he is the most important person in her life. He wants to believe that but asks himself what if she turns out to be the same as before and he finds out only after he has let down the wall he has built? He is fine where he is now but he would like to move somewhere else. He hopes that she is telling him the truth but his mind always reverts back to what she did to him. He is happy she appears to be a changed, better person but he is not ready to completely buy in yet. Furthermore he is hurt that he had to endure pain when he needed her most for her to change her life. He understands what she was trying to do but doesn’t necessarily like the fact that she tried to mentor other kids when she didn’t do anything for him. He does appreciate that she is passionately trying to become an active part of his life now but he really needed her before. He sees that she is trying hard and sometimes he feels she may be trying too hard. He doesn’t see her the same way she sees him. If he could ever get to the point she is at it would be wonderful but he is not there yet and may never be there. She says she knows she messed up and understands his feelings but sometimes she may be putting her feelings ahead of his. She says she is only trying to express herself and show him it is different now but is willing to step back and give him room to breathe if that’s what he desires. He doesn’t believe it is too late for her now but there are huge hurdles she will have to jump over before he goes back to a full-fledged mother son relationship. He misses her but his heart can only take so much and he is not ready to become vulnerable again.
What should he do?
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